


Poor Unfortunate Souls

by Bifoxnen



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Disney Parody, Gen, Poor Unfortunate Souls, Screenplay/Script Format, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-08-23 13:25:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8329555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bifoxnen/pseuds/Bifoxnen
Summary: Shadow Naoto knows just how to sway Naoto to accept her modest proposal. A shot at a fun, whimsical take on Naoto meeting her shadow.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The original song for your convenience:  
> [Poor Unfortunate Souls - The Little Mermaid](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gi58pN8W3hY)

_The last room of the Secret Laboratory. A surgical table sits at the center. Medical and investigative equipment is strewn about other surrounding tables and shelves. Double doors slide open, with fog rushing out. Naoto emerges into the main laboratory room, coughing._

**NAOTO** : ( _Taking in the room_ ) This is it? All that walking, for this?! ( _Huffs, picks up an oversized magnifying glass from a table and inspects it_ ) No clues, no prints, it’s like no one’s ever been here, this stupid…cheesy movie set! Half this stuff doesn’t even belong! ( _Takes in a deep breath to calm down,_ _drops the magnifying glass where she found it and mutters under her breath_ ) _Cute_. Real cute.

 **VOICE** : Why, thank you.

 **NAOTO:** Aah! ( _Whips out revolver and aims it in the direction of the voice_ ) Drop your weapon! Come out slowly, hands up! Hands up!

( _The owner of the voice emerges from the shadows, arms raised not in surrender, but as if taking in an applauding crowd._ )

 **NAOTO:** You have the right to remain— ( _Gasps, revolver is aimed but shakes a little as she sees Shadow Naoto for the first time_ )

 **SHADOW NAOTO** : Silent? Sssh, now now, I know. ( _Walks casually over to a sink and starts washing her hands, her back towards Naoto_ ) That’s the problem, isn’t it? You’re here because you feel like you don’t get any respect. From, ah, everyone at work? They’re all _fellows_ , aren’t they?

 **NAOTO:** (Puzzled) How…do you know—Who _are_ you?

 **SHADOW NAOTO** : ( _Eyes glow with anger, then she quickly recomposes herself with a smile_ ) You won’t accept me as anything more than a figment in a strange dream. Well then, let’s just get to the point. The job goes much more smoothly when we’re silent, complaint, not spewing sexist bullshit, and we do love being praised don’t we? ( _Chuckles_ ) Well, Detective Princess ( _Visible cringe from Naoto_ ), the solution to your problem is simple. ( _Starts snapping on gloves_ )

 **SHADOW NAOTO** : The only way to get what you want is to become a man yourself.

 **NAOTO:** ( _Slowly lowers gun_ ) Is that…possible?

 **SHADOW NAOTO** : ( _Turns to face Naoto_ ) My dear, sweet child, that’s what I do. ( _Starts walking towards Naoto, who cautiously takes a few steps back_ ) It's what I live for, to help unfortunate subjects like yourself. ( _Lifts Naoto’s chin with her finger, Naoto trips back into a chair_ ) Poor souls with no one else to turn to.

 

( _Shadow Naoto starts sashaying around Naoto, much to her discomfort_ )

 

 **SHADOW NAOTO** : Tell me why they roll their eyes and say you’re nosy.

Tell me you’re not fed up with being called a brat. ( _Disembodied giggling comes from either side of Naoto, alarming her_ )

Tell me that their oversight

Doesn’t sting and doesn’t bite,

Make you sad, make you small,

Throw down your hat!

 

( _Naoto starts to look upset_ )

 

 **SHADOW NAOTO** : Don’t cry.

Look, I fortunately own a little logic. ( _Shadow Naoto twirls Naoto’s gun—How did it get there—and places it out of the way_ )

It's a talent that I have proudly honed.

And dear lady, please don't laugh,

I use it on behalf

Of the wannabes, the jealous, and dethroned. Pathetic.

 

Poor unfortunate souls,

In pain, in need.

This one longing to be famous,

That one wants to smooch the girl.

And do I help them?

Ick! But, indeed.

Those poor unfortunate souls,

So sad, so true.

They come flocking to my office,

Crying, "Science, Naoto, please!"

And I help them!

Yes I do.

 

Now sometimes they make the deal,

And spin badly on the wheel,

And it empties a chamber that is full.

Yes, when they’re the ones at fault,

I’m not liable for results

On those poor unfortunate souls! ( _Spotlight_ _turns on over surgical table_ )

 

 **SHADOW NAOTO** : Have we got a deal?

 **NAOTO:** I-I’m not sure, I didn’t think it was possible to _actually_ —I don’t think this is a good idea.

 **SHADOW NAOTO** : Oh no? But you'll have your Kanji. ( _Chuckles_ )

 

( _Defensive flustered stammers coming from Naoto_ )

 

 **SHADOW NAOTO** : ( _Rolling over on surgical table_ ) Life's full of tough choices, isn't it? Oh, and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the subject of payment. You can’t get something for nothing, you know.

 **NAOTO:** I _knew_ there was a-

 **SHADOW NAOTO** : I'm not asking much, just a token, really, a trifle! You’ll never even miss it. What I want is _all_ of you that’s girly girl. Not just your body, but also your _mind_.

 **NAOTO:** My…mind?

 **SHADOW NAOTO** : You’ve got it, Sweetcakes. Say goodbye to all that distracting, overemotional—drama.

 **NAOTO:** But if you take that away, what am I—

 

 **SHADOW NAOTO** : You'll keep your smarts, your handsome face!

He’s obviously avoiding you because he knows your secret, ha!

You couldn’t shake him when he first met you,

Now you never see him outside of the team.

You’re not stupid, we conclude

He only likes you as a dude.

It’s common sense, do it for the man of your dreams!

  
Come on, if you can’t beat them then why not join them?

Claim your power, social status, and prestige!

 

You’ve come this far, why would you stop?

Just one contract from the top,

 _You_ said life would be swell if you were a guy!

 

Come on you poor unfortunate soul, ( _Chair with Naoto in it moves towards Shadow Naoto and surgical table on its own_ )

Go ahead,

What’s your choice?

I'm a very busy doctor and I haven't got all day, ( _Hologram of Kanji’s face poofs above the table, Naoto reaches out for it_ )

Let me make you ( _Shadow Naoto’s face poofs out of the hologram, startling Naoto_ )

A real boy!

You poor unfortunate soul,

It's sad but true!

If you want to cross the bridge, my sweet,

You've got the pay the toll, ( _Shadow Naoto materializes a consent form_ )

Take a gulp and take a breath,

Grow a pair and sign the scroll! ( _A feather pen materializes_ )

Mother, Father, now I've got her, Boy,

The boss is on a roll,

This poor unfortunate soul! ( _Naoto grabs the pen, stares Shadow Naoto down, and signs it_.)

 

( _The scroll returns to the shadow’s hand and disappears_. _Restraints grab Naoto’s arms and legs. She fights them, but they quickly strap her to the table._ )

 

 **SHADOW NAOTO** :  
_Pathos separabunt,_  
_Come fog of the Junes T.V._  
_Retrorsum captionem,_  
_Stagnum hominem,_  
_Anima to me!_

 

Now scream.

 

 **NAOTO:** ( _Nervous laughter_ ) Hahahaha, no.

 **SHADOW NAOTO** : ( _Takes out an unnecessarily gruesome surgical tool that Naoto thought was a prop, and revs it up_ )

 **NAOTO:** AaaAAA!

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed my first fic! I'd like to think the Investigation Team barges in after the last few lines.
> 
>  **Smol note 1** : My interpretation is that Kanji would like (definitely likes) Naoto no matter what gender she is, and that she reads his (can't-figure-out-how-to-deal-with-a-crush) actions wrongly due to her own obliviousness and low self-esteem.
> 
>  **Smol note 2** : With the help of Google Translate English-to-Latin, I was roughly trying to get Shadow Naoto's chant to say, "Sever emotions, turn this reverse trap into a tin man, give her soul to me." Without intervention, Naoto would have died, or awoken from the procedure without her emotions, like a robot.


End file.
